How to Work with Difficult People... Start with Listening
Photo by Jason Rosewell on Unsplash
We all have difficult people in our lives. It could be someone who reports to you, a coworker, a boss, or a family member. In the past, there have been angry words, silent resentments, passive resistance, and an overall feeling of difficulty associated with this person. You can let some difficult people go from your life— perhaps you’ve ended a friendship or moved on from a job to avoid the person. And then there’s difficult people who for whatever circumstances will remain in your life. For these people, the secret of accepting or tolerating them is deceptively simple, yet so hard to execute— the secret is to listen to them on three levels of listening.
Three Levels of Listening
Diving deeper into the secret, let’s set up the framework for three levels of listening¹.
Level 1: Internal Listening. While I am listening to the other person, I am listening to hear only the information that matters to me. Often this listening is so that I can prepare what to say next, whether it’s my response, my question, or to introduce something entirely different to the conversation. Level 1 listening often gets a bad reputation, yet it’s entirely appropriate for particular situations. For example, if you’re being interviewed on a podcast, if you’re a student getting direction from the instructor, or if you’re listening to the waiter describe the list of specials in order to choose what to eat for dinner.
“What does this mean to me?”
Level 2: Focused Listening. In this level of listening, there is a sharp focus on the other person. I am listening intently to their words but also to what thy are communication beyond words. Focus is on their expressions, emotions, body-language, tone of voice, and pauses in-between the words. I am trying to be a mirror to absorb, internalize and understand what the other person is trying to communicate.
“I have time to focus on you.”
Level 3: Global Listening. Level 3 brings in awareness of the environment around both you and me. It pays attention to the energy of the individuals and the energy created by our interactions. It’s easiest to feel Level 3 with a large group of people. Have you ever walked into the room right after two people have been fighting with each other? You could cut the tension with a knife. There is deep discomfort, both between the two opponents as well as for all the observers. Conversely at a live comedy show, you can feel the joint laugh-out-loud amusement or the shocked gasp of “Did he really say that?” or the boredom when the jokes fall flat. In a scenario of two people, global listening brings in what’s happening in the environment — perhaps a fire engine going by, a book that falls off the shelf, or a knock on the door. Global listening also brings in energy & intuition. The sense that the other person is feeling uncomfortable or on the edge of tears even through their words seem perfectly normal. The conversation will feel easier, as if you’re not trying or focusing so hard, but instead have a soft diffuse awareness of the relationship.
“I am opening my awareness to what’s going on with us, and what’s around us.”
Working with Difficult People
With that understanding of the three levels of listening, there are four techniques when working with difficult people in your lives.
1. Move from Level 1 listening to Level 2 listening
The most straightforward and also the most trite is to truly listen to them. This may not be an easy ask as many people are difficult to the point that giving them your time and energy puts a drain on you. This is particularly true if they have low EQ or self-awareness of how their words impact others. While this is not easy, trying to aim for Level 2 listening will help. Rather than think about your rebuttal to their wrong perspective and what you’re going to say next (Level 1), slow down and focus on what they’re really trying to communicate. Listen beyond the words to the true meaning, the value, and the emotion behind this topic and what they care so much about it. Pull in the detached curiosity of a cultural anthropologist to truly listen so that you can understand their point of view.
2. Listen for the 10% Truth²
However, with these difficult people, it can be really hard to entirely shift into Level 2 listening, especially when we are very invested in the topic ourselves. This person is also difficult because of the shared history, repeated offenses, and the passion we both have for our different positions on a common topic. However, consider that the difficult person might not be 100% utterly and completely wrong. Rather than fully committing to Level 2 listening, listen enough so that you can find the 10% truth to what the other person is saying. Don’t lie and pretend to agree with them. Instead find the 10% that you can agree with. Restate that 10%, “What I really like about what you said is…” and then build upon it using the “Yes, and…” game from improv. There’s no need to tell them that you’re playing this game— simply listen enough to find the 10% of what you agree with.
3. Open up your Level 1
You have history with this difficult person. You’ve already tried explaining your position many times and feel like you’re at an impasse. However, when you are speaking in the conversation, open up your Level 1 to be vulnerable and truly share what’s going on and what matters for you about this topic. It invites them in and shows your good intent and desire for partnership by going first and sharing.
4. Connect on Level 3
Level 3 listening is the intuition, the energy and the environment created between you and the difficult person in this moment in time. Consider stepping outside the focused disagreements of the topic and incorporating other unsaid, more intuitive connection. For example:
Create a ritual (once we’re out of shelter-in-place) such as grabbing coffee or taking a stroll together that changes up the environment and creates a shared bond.
Lean into our current remote videoconference state and connect with the difficult person by noticing the spouse, roommate, children, pet, or background behind them. This is the opportunity for an intimate peek into your difficult person’s environment. Find some commonality to connect with, or alternately offer up your cute puppy or a piece of artwork behind your desk that matters to you.
Acknowledge any commonalities (“We’re dressed as twins today!”) or differences between the two of you. What are the two of you co-creating or have in common? Perhaps it’s the shared leadership of a project or as points of contact for your respective disciplines. Acknowledge the “us-ness” between the two of you. For family, a simple acknowledgement of “I love you” (when that’s true) and “Isn’t it funny how we’re still living our childhood patterns?” may help.
Bottom-Line
We all have difficult people in our lives, who by necessity of job or family will continue to remain in our lives. To work better with these people, consider the three levels of listening and using the four techniques of 1. Move from Level 1 to Level 2 Listening, 2. Listen for the 10% Truth, 3. Open up your Level 1. and 4. Connect on Level 3.
¹The three levels of listening was first taught to me from the Co-active Institute, one of my coaching schools and in their accompanying book.
²Find the 10% truth is courtesy of Shirzad Chamine’s research, courses, and books.
This is a continuation of the Difficult People series. The entire series is:
Creating Connection Within Social Distancing
Photo by Bence Balla-Schottner on Unsplash
We are all leaders within this pandemic. Some of us are overwhelmed and working 14-hour days as nurses, teachers, or small business owners trying to keep our communities stable and serve others. Some of us have swathes of time as we struggle with working from home and being isolated by ourselves. As we shelter-in-place and are only physically connected to immediate family and roommates, one question looms:
Within social distancing, how do you create connection?
As a designer, I love me a good framework. This 3-part framework for creating connection contains:
You in the center. You have the most control over your mindset, your feelings, and your needs.
Your People. Your people will vary. It could be your immediate closest family & friends, it could be your team at work, or your coworkers banding together to solve an immediate urgent problem. Contextually, your people can change depending on who matters most at each point in time.
Your Community. The circle of connection varies. You may not know each member of the community personally. The community can be your school, your church, your neighbors, your company, your alumni network, or your entire city.
You
We are living in unprecedented times. The good news is that the enemy of change is typically the status quo. Now, when everything is different, we have the opportunity to make conscious choices about what really matters to us. Focusing on you, consider what you need for connection. Consider that it can, and will, change day-by-day, perhaps even hour-by-hour.
Right now, today, what is your level of connection? Think about connection to yourself and connection to others. What would you like to be different about this?
If you don’t know, think to the past 24-hours and the past 7 days. What have you been yearning for in that time?
Some examples I’ve heard from people include
Connection to myself:
I need some time for myself to think.
I need to go on a run.
I need to get outside and get some fresh air.
I need to meditate more and get grounded.
Connection to others:
I need to talk to my parents or close relatives everyday for a small checkin.
I need hugs & physical touch. Related, I personally know 4 different people who have gotten dogs this week. Something about being physically at home and able to spend the time to train and love a new puppy. I imagine it feeds into the need for physical comfort and is a good excuse to take more walks.
I need to reach out to old friends to see how they’re doing.
I need to support / check in on my neighbors who are physically close to me.
What do you need right now? What could you do today to create more connection for yourself within physical distancing?
For me, my kids are split 50/50 between their dad’s house and mine. We are continuing this practice through social distancing as to do otherwise seems heartbreaking. When they are with me, I hug them tight. I work fewer hours and cherish the time I have with them. We go on walks, ambling around the neighborhood. I try to drag them to the beach. We exercise together — I follow the remote directions from my awesome trainer and they do their soccer drills. We talk baths together, luxuriating in Lush bath bombs. We bake and watch The Great British Baking Show reruns. When they are not with me, I surf. I meditate, I journal a lot. For my clients, I’m here for them to check in whenever they need and we’ve added more frequent sessions for some.
Your People
Think of the people who are closest to you. You’re likely already thinking of immediate friends & family. Who else do you count individually as your people? Perhaps they are physically close like neighbors. Perhaps they are old friends who you rarely see, but occupy a rare place in your thoughts. In a work setting, you’re likely thinking of your immediate team. What about other colleagues who you don’t work with directly or who you’ve connected with in the past.
For each group of your people, consider:
What might each person need?
Are there themes in the needs of people in the group?
How might you bring in your unique talents to serve?
Some examples that I’ve heard from people in a work setting include:
Having a daily remote standup to both check in on people’s well-being as well as work.
Being adaptable and welcoming that parents with kids at home will have a 50% or more productivity drop. Offering to help with extra tasks at work if you don’t have kids.
Getting a window into people’s home lives through remote calls, seeing pets & kids and a more human side of their work personality. Comment, connect & share over what you see. One rule that my wonderful editor, Holly Kennedy, created at work is if a family member / kid / pet comes into your video view then they should ideally be introduced so everyone can say hi!
Sharing memes & laughs of the day about the pandemic. Starting the call with a a joke.
Creating a virtual happy hour / coffee break / primal screams
For each group of people, if you have the energy, what will you do today?
Finally, especially for those of us who give a lot to other people, think about who can help me. Who will I reach out to for help today?
For me, I’ve been reaching out to old friends and former colleagues. Sometimes I dream about certain periods of my life and when I wake up I reach out to those people. I’ve also been asking my community of coaches for a lot of help. I’ve been reaching out to set up 1–1s for different parts of support that I need— advice on growing my business, when to charge and when to do pro bono work right now, and how to take care of myself when I’m supporting others.
Your Community
Rather than individuals who you can name, think of the broader community that you can connect with within social distancing. Perhaps they are an association of need or passion such as your kids’ school, the neighborhood, the dance group, or fellow dog owners. If you have the energy, how might you step up and set the cultural tone for your larger team or company? What values matter to you for your community or company? What would you like to live on for the group and not just individuals?
Questions to ask:
When this community looks back, what do we want to be remembered for?
What values does this community have, and how can I create programs/connections/etc that honor these values? For example, if kindness is a value, how might I show kindness across the organization. How might I start specific actions that inspire others to also be kind?
For me as a coach, I’m trying to serve the communities that care for. I belong to a Single Moms in Tech Facebook group and I’ve set up group coaching sessions around supporting each other to thrive in this situation. I’ve been doing a lot of research & content creation around a passion topic — “Get What You’re Worth: Negotiation for Women” and in this time when many coaches are worried about their livelihood, I’ve launched a 6-week group coaching program for coaches to truly understand their worth and how to set their rates.
Bottom-Line
Today’s burning question is “Within social distancing, how do we create connection?” First consider what you need for connection, then expand it out to your people and your community. Pick a single action to experiment on and see if it helps your audience. We are living in new times and it’s the perfect opportunity to keep trying new ways of connection for different people.
COVID-19: The Gift of Time and Space
Photo by Jackson Hendry on Unsplash
A caveat: As a mom to two girls, ages 12 and 9, I feel for parents who are currently working a double-shift— simultaneously trying get work done and adjusting to working from home while also homeschooling / entertaining their children. This article about the gift of time and space will likely evoke frustration or jealousy for those not working the double-shift. If you’re trying to just make it through the day without erupting at your partner or kids… you’ve got plenty on your hands right now.
It’s been a week of shelter-in-place for us in San Francisco. As a friend, as a neighbor, and as a leadership coach, I’ve been getting most of my energy this week from service. Service for me is spending more time with clients, leading support calls with friends, and doing group coaching for a variety of my communities. Most of my day-to-day work is remote, other than the now-canceled in-person workshops and speaking engagements. I’m grateful that I’ve already been able to learn to adjust with working from home and developing meaningful connections with people over video conference.
Right now, all routines have become completely up-ended. Everything is seemingly out of our control. We don’t have the luxury of going out to dinner, meeting up with friends in a bar, going to the gym, or watching movie or plays. As a leadership coach, I often point out that my biggest competition is the status quo. COVID-19 is currently disrupting that. Now our daily routines feel uncertain and out of our control. This is an opportunity to re-examine regular habits and schedules. Typically, these habits are engrained within us, and we are stuck in existing patterns. It’s hard to identify areas that we want to be different in our life, where we want to learn and grow. What if this social distancing could be a trigger? What if we use the gift of time and space to experiment with our lives?
If you have the gift of extra time and space, how do you want to take advantage of it? Consider 4 areas of exploration: Make, Learn, Think, and Connect. I guarantee it’ll be more fun than watching more news!
1. Make
Have there been projects or things you’ve been wanting to create but have never had the time? For many designers, there’s the side-projects we always want to do. Personal projects whether it’s a canvas, a podcast, calligraphy, or an app. Consider all the things that you could make with this time:
Arts: painting, drawing, sketching, photography
Crafts: knitting, crochet, scrapbooking
Cooking & baking
Woodworking & carpentry
Gardening
One personal side-benefit is that it’s fun to do projects with kids. I tend to be a selfish mom and work on projects that interest me. When they were younger, we worked on collaborative abstract paintings. Right now, they’re particularly enjoying learning to draw Totoro and they would have enjoyed Mo Willems’ classes if they were younger.
2. Learn
What do you want to learn about? Right now many educators are making their resources free with articles covering free Ivy League classes and platforms such as edX and ClassCentral. A quick browse finds some classes I’d love to take:
The Science of Well-Being from Yale University via Coursera
Science & Cooking: From Haute Cuisine to Soft Matter Science from Harvard University
Viral Marketing and how to Craft Contagious Content from the University of Pennsylvania
What else, maybe less high-brow, do you want to learn? Play that ukelele you bought a couple of years ago? Brush up on your high school Spanish skills?
3. Think
When I worked at Facebook, we tried to make time for focus blocks— 3 hour chunks of time to focus, work and get things done. In our rapid days now, we often move between 30-minute chunks of meetings, multi-tasking as we go. How would it feel to have blank chunks of time focused on nothing more than thinking? Could you focus on dreaming what type of life or career you’d like? Some questions I typically ask my clients to think about when we start working together are:
What do you want, personally and professionally in your life, that you don’t yet have?
What is/are your passion/s in life? What brings you balance, flow, joy, relaxation, etc.?
What is a secret passion you don’t think is possible?
If time and money were not factors, what would you like to do, be, have?
When you think of making a positive contribution to the world, what do you want to offer?
At the end of your life, what would you like to celebrate?
If you were to do any other job than the one you have now, what would it be?
What else would you like to think about?
If you’re running your own business, what products could you dream up?
If you’re working for a company, what else could your customers use?
4. Connect
Crisis, especially when communally shared, is a unifying force to bring people together. Since we are practicing social distancing, consider that we now have the gift of apparation, to seemingly bypass the constraints of travel via video conferencing to re-connect with friends or family. Everyone is now home, and likely more available. Who would you like to re-connect with today?
Bottom-Line
Do you have extra time and space in your life with COVID-19? Use this disruption of the status quo to explore something different. Consider what you want to make or learn. Use the time to think, or to connect with people through video-conferencing.